Finley's Footprints

We lost Finley at 41 + 5 in August last year, my niece and nephew (to different parts of the family) were born 3 days apart in October.  I have made a really big effort to be a part of their lives, and though it hurts I am pleased that I can be the Aunty I always would have been, even if I am not a Mum to a baby who is  here.

This weekend we went to an 18th birthday party.  It was the first time seeing a lot of the family since losing Finley, and my brother in law, girlfriend and niece came.  We all stayed over.  I really enjoyed lots of cuddles and making my niece smile.  It was rather amusing that she smiles and laughs at the hubby, but completely ignores her Dad! 

It was later on I found it really hard.  We were all staying in one room, and my niece was overtired and cried for a long time before falling asleep.  I found it so hard.  Since losing Finley I am so tuned in to babies crying because I wanted so much to hear Finley cry.  It was so hard to allow her parents to comfort her and get her to sleep.  And then all night I was dreaming about our baby, and dreaming about giving birth but the baby not crying.  Then I would wake up and hear my niece making all these cute snuffly baby noises, and stirring.  It was those first few seconds and I would have to tell myself again that it is not my baby, my baby died.

Noone understands how hard it really is.  My brother in law said thanks for looking after the baby, and people were giving me careful looks while I was cuddling her, but even my hubby does not understand the physical response to a baby crying. Its so hard to explain.  Its like my instincts are still expecting a baby that needs to be cared for.  It is almost like a pain in me when I hear a baby  cry.  My immediate response is to turn to go to it, several times I have been in the Supermarket and heard a cry and even taken a step towards it before I realise again that my baby died. 

I was never really a maternal person.  A few years ago, if you had asked me did I want any children?  I would have told you no, there is too much hurt and pain in the world to bring a child into this misery.  Then I met my hubby.  He was so fantastic with everyone’s kids, I knew he had to be a Dad.  Gradually I came round to the idea.  By the time we lost our first baby I was thinking that I definately wanted to be a Mum, and for us to be a family.  After we lost the first baby after only a few days of knowing I was pregnant I became even more sure. We tried and tried, but with no success.  After the due date passed I remember telling the other half that I couldn’t face the heart ache every month, and wanted to stop trying.  Of course it was then that we got pregnant.  I became so focused on my pregnancy.  I loved it.  To lose Finley right at the end was so cruel, to lose something so wanted for so long seemed so unfair. 

And now I am left with this huge huge instinct to nurture and care for my children, with nothing to focus it on.  The cats are getting spoilt!