Name: Holly Burdett

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Award Category: Inspirational Mother

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My Plea:

Being a mum is particularly hard, even more so when you are the mum to angel. I think any parent to an Angel baby is an inspiration. It is hard enough to care for a living baby but to show you care and love for a baby that isn’t here is even more difficult. We have to find different ways to show our love and different ways to include them in our daily lives.
I’ve also found that being a mum means we are faced with many decisions. Often difficult decisions where we must be selfless and think about what is truly best for our children even if this makes us anxious, uncomfortable or sometimes even leaves us broken.

My journey of loss actually started when my daughter was still alive. I was told at the twenty week scan my baby was very ill and likely to pass away. This was devastating and I had a family that was not only broken but also worried about myself. I suffer anxiety and borderline personality disorder which means I can become suicidal very easily.

On the way home from the hospital the day we got the bad news we saw someone had wrote in the dirt on the back of a lorry “Choose Life”. My mind was made up. We had been offered termination despite her wriggling around in my belly. We decided that as long as she was fighting, we were going to fight too. I discovered a strength within me I didn’t know existed, surprising everyone considering my illnesses and suicidal tendencies.
The road ahead was unknown and terrifying. They didn’t know what was wrong with her and didn’t know what to expect. We anxiously awaited her birth for answers after all tests came back clear. Despite my needle phobias I underwent blood tests and a CVS invasive procedure along with multiple scans and an MRI. I also opted for a C Section despite knowing she would still likely pass away and I would be left with a scarred womb. I knew it was best for her and I wanted to give her every opportunity to live.

People associate negative connotations with the word sacrifice, but to me it was simply the definition of acting selflessly and for love. I made choices that were difficult but nonetheless were in Silvers best interest. I forgoed special concert tickets worried for her safety, I put aside all my fears and I made a commitment to do whatever it took to keep her safe, even changing hospital to find a consultant we trusted.

Sometimes being selfless also means letting go, even when you want to hold on so tightly. Me and my husband made the gut-wrenching decision when Silver took ill on the sixteenth day and the doctor had run out of options. We could have asked the doctor to keep pushing and she very likely would have died alone in her incubator but instead we chose to make sure she was comfortable once we knew she was no longer able to fight.

We took her out for last cuddles and made sure to tell her how proud we were as parents, surrounding her with love and warmth before allowing her to be at peace, no longer in pain, no longer exhausted from a difficult uphill struggle.

Throughout Silver’s short life of sixteen days I expressed all my milk but due to her bowels being blocked most of this was frozen. When she passed away, I made it a priority to make sure the milk was donated and managed to donate over 9 litres to help other NICU babies. It was a difficult thing to think about during our grief, at a time when I could have let my own emotions envelope me. Instead I still thought of all the other babies and was thinking of ways I could help possibly prevent this for other parents.
After losing Silver I found comfort in sharing my story through my blog My Journey With Silver Rose. I found it helped not only myself but other parents too which was deeply comforting in my grief. Sometimes with my borderline I can shut down and cut off all emotions and shut people out but instead I found a way to let people in and actually help others going through the same thing whilst also raising awareness of baby loss and safe sleep for other parents. Due to anxiety I don’t leave my house alone so I simply found a different way to have a voice and make a difference, working around my disabilities and illnesses.

I found motivation from other loss parents too to raise money for Tiny Lives which supported and looked after ourselves and Silver Rose, of which I am still doing. I am currently setting up a business called Silver Lining (@Silver.lining.store on Instagram) with the aim to give back to the baby loss community by raising money for baby loss charities but also by creating products for angel and rainbow families so they may feel inclusive within the parenting world.

I am hoping to also make garments for angel babies being laid to rest that are size appropriate, having found that even premature size clothes were too big for Silver and she was in fact dressed in a beautiful yet oversized gown for her funeral. Our children deserve the best, both in life and loss.
I battle my own mind every day and am often torn between wishing to be with all my children, an impossible feat with two angels and two rainbows. Each day I strive to recover so that I can be the guiding light and strong foundation for my two living children despite my difficulties. My children have truly made me the woman I am today and have shown me what it means to fight for what is important.

Despite my struggles I always prioritise my children, both living and deceased. We go for adventures even on the days I don’t want to leave the house, I show strength even when I feel I am breaking and I always include all our babies in our daily life. We even made the decision to have a post mortem and are working with a renal specialist in Newcastle on a research basis in the hopes that this could help other babies in the future.
Earlier this year I was forced yet again to choose whether to push for a natural birth as I so desperately desired or opt for a C Section as my rainbow baby Leilani had growth restrictions. I made the decision without hesitation that I would be opting for the surgery, knowing I would then never have a natural birth in the future but knowing this was the safest option for my child. I was in fact very lucky to have Silver watching over me as my previous scar ruptured and I was very lucky I had opted for surgery.

I have a newfound appreciation for the fragility of life and how precious it truly it. Silver taught me to never take a moment for granted as she left so soon and my life-threatening complications earlier this year reiterated just how important it is to treasure every moment. I have learnt to always see the positives, even with losing Silver I can say how grateful I am that she has taught me to be a stronger person and I know just how lucky I was to have sixteen days.

I have also created a very special video that I would love you to check out on YouTube:

What Others Have Said

They took the heart breaking decision to remove all the tubes and medical equipment so they could have the last minutes cuddling their little girl. She passed away in their arms. We feared the worst for Holly and Fabian after this devastating blow but they showed great strength and maturity and took comfort in their beautiful son Beau. Poor Beau couldn’t understand why his little sister would not be coming home with the family. During her time in hospital in Newcastle Holly had expressed her milk and stored it for Silver. She felt very strongly that this should not go to waste and donated it to a Breast Milk Bank. She donated over 9 and half litres of milk and received a certificate in recognition of her donation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pys-vwOoz3E&feature=youtu.be