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My Plea:

I wanted to thank you for taking the time to read my heartbreaking story on losing Violet Esme and the awareness I have been raising around Stillbirths, Group B Strep and Sepsis Disease to help save babies lives following on from my daughter born sleeping.

It all began in October 2017. Ten days overdue, I was getting excited that the day I’d been waiting for had finally arrived. Soon enough, I would be meeting our precious little baby for the first time. It still gives me butterflies now when I think about it. Little did I know it could go horribly wrong and I’d be faced with pain, heartache and grief instead of joy and happiness.

We entered the birthing centre and settled in. No one prepared us for the kind of news we were about to be told next. After an ‘easy pregnancy’ I never thought I would or could become dramatically ill. I’ll never forget the moment our midwife picked up the Doppler and placed it onto my bump; the moment my heart broke into a thousand pieces.

Violet’s heartbeat had disappeared within minutes. Violet Esme had died inside my womb. Something no mother wants to go through or hear said to them.

A scan was performed to confirm what had happened and if Violet’s heartbeat had stopped. The whole room went silent, you could see the wave of sadness over everyone’s faces as everyone looked at one another back and forth with no one wanting to say the words out loud “I’m sorry your baby has died” I could tell what had happened, I wouldn’t be taking our baby home. I looked blankly at the white wall in front of me thinking of how this had happened and “why me?” a question that will never be answered. Surely I must be dreaming?
Moments after, I became dramatically ill with sepsis. We met with our special bereavement team who would be looking after us. Labour is certainly something you remember it’s the most special day in our lives. But for me it was exhausting, upsetting and painful with limited to no contractions whilst naturally having to give birth.

I look back and think to myself how on earth did I give birth to our baby this seriously ill, ready to give up on life?

My husband stood by my side and through it all whilst watching me suffer so badly trying to give birth to Violet. It was tough. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through knowing full well we would never hear our baby cry for the first time.

Two days on from the start of a very tough, heart breaking labour on the 28th October at 9.21am our doctor finally delivered Violet who was placed over onto my chest. I’ll never forget his face he looked up at us with Violet in his hands with tears rolling down his face.
“She is perfect” – she stole our hearts from the moment she was born.

In the hours that followed in the birthing centre, the shock had hit me, and I got up like nothing had happened. I hadn’t been ill, and I hadn’t lost my baby. By this time I’d been told I was a carrier of Group B Strep which is something they don’t routinely test for. Questions were asked as to why? Why had this test not been carried out? If it had been, could it of saved my daughter’s life? I was angry at the fact they don’t routinely test for it.

Our midwife, who we chose to take Violet on her first part of her journey, carried Violet out in small Moses basket. We placed her coloured knitted blanket and teddy’s with her, wrapped in a Muslim blanket; wearing a tiny cream hat and matching baby grow with feathers all over which we had purchased for her to come home in. Violet was calmly carried out by our midwife whilst we stood in shock and watched her leave. It’s a vision I’ll never be able to erase from my memory.

“I walked out without my baby”

We got in our car and drove home. I couldn’t face the world without Violet in it. I suddenly had a thought that surely I cannot be the only one going through baby loss?

The month after being back at home we decided to get away for a few days; we packed our stuff and headed off into the peaceful country side. Sat in front of the open fire in the hotel I started to write down my thoughts. What had happened? How I had I become so ill? How would I live a life without our daughter?
From this time away, it got me thinking that I wanted to start building a profile around raising awareness of Stillbirths, Group B Strep and Sepsis Disease. I spoke to my husband about what I wanted to do and he said it would be a fantastic idea to help others be aware and help understand grief.

My research began. I couldn’t believe how much I was reading around stillbirths and the ‘big taboo’. But why? We go through loss. In fact 9 babies die a day in the UK. It’s a lot isn’t it? But yet no one wants to talk about it, although it takes a massive part out of some one’s life like mine. I researched and came across Tommy’s the baby charity, Kicks Count and Sands. Three baby loss charities that I now follow daily. I read about the stillbirth rates in the UK, why stillbirths can happen, how parents are treated through stillbirths, how going through loss is a mental health issue and also how bereaved parents come together to support each other.

I could not believe the response I was getting through my social media pages which I had set up. I was inundated with other bereaved parents saying how sorry they were and that they too were going through the loss of a baby or child. Some through the same cause as me Group B Strep.

As I researched Group B Strep, I read that in the UK it isn’t routinely tested for, but other countries do test for it during late pregnancies. I wondered why, I kept on researching. The bacteria itself is a bacterium that ‘comes and goes’ but if tested during the last few weeks of pregnancy it should give a more accurate answer. One simple test could have helped prevent my daughter’s death. If I had known I could have bought the test I would of, not one person whilst I was pregnant even mentioned Group B Strep. No doctor, no midwife, no health professional and not one pregnant person. I was furious and upset. I couldn’t believe and still can’t believe that this bacterium is so deadly and so powerful but again no one talks about it!
I contacted Group B Strep Support, a charity which I came across whilst researching, one of the only charities in the UK to support this harmful bacterium, a charity who provide information to people such as parents, mothers (pregnant or not), midwives, medical companies or anyone wanting to know more about this common bacterium. I wanted to know more and do more for this particular charity.

After setting up my blog, Colours of a Rainbow I wrote my first blog post and pressed the button ‘publish’. I didn’t know how people would react, would they say I’m attention seeking? Would they say I deserved it because I didn’t do the test myself? Would no body care? It was the exact opposite. The amount of people who had connected with me to say they too had suffered a stillbirth was unbelievable. It was upsetting to know that as well as me other parents were travelling the path of baby loss. Everyone thinks “it won’t happen to me” or “it’s not that common”. It is. And something needs to be changed and I was determined to help make a difference.

I posted daily onto each of my social media pages. I carried on researching information about Group B Strep, Stillbirths and Sepsis Disease. I was determined. From here I came in contact with SANDS. Sands are a charity that helps bereaved parents like me. Providing online, phone and leaflet support. I got in touch with them to find out how I could start raising vital funds for them. Charities like Sands are not funded by the NHS or government but solely rely on donations.

I also spoke to my bereavement midwife and consultant on my thoughts of how I could help implement changes to the pathway of care as I found from attending my appointments following birth I had the difficult conversation several times of ‘I had a stillbirth’. Following a loss it isn’t something you constantly want to repeat. Changes were made following my conversation with my consultant. Changes were also made after I became seriously ill with Sepsis for anyone in labour who feels unwell.
My mission had started and I knew deep down Violet would want me to do this to help others and help save babies lives.

I started to raise funds for Sands by completing #Challenge15 by walking over 15 miles in one day. It started by walking up the mountain the Old Man of Coniston and reaching the top in snow and ice terrain. In total raising £900 for this fabulous charity! I continued to spread awareness by sharing my story for their 40th anniversary, Sands published my story on all social media platforms I was overwhelmed with the response!

I continued to share my story through Group B Strep Support who published it via their website and social media. Strepelle a company who support and provide Group B Strep tests also contacted me asked to share my story online.

Raising awareness around my story of losing Violet is something really close to my heart it’s something I never thought I would do and something I never thought I would achieve whilst grieving. But my fundraising didn’t stop there. I wanted to give something back to the bereavement suite and team where we stayed.
The bereavement suite is a place situated in the birthing centre. It’s a place for parents who have lost a baby to stay and spend time as a family. During birth we were asked if we wanted photos taken of us as a family at the birth and also have use of the camera whilst staying in the suite. Taking photos is something really special during birth and something we can keep forever.

After leaving the suite, we decided that the suite needed a new up to date camera. We knew this would help the bereavement team and the parents staying there. I honestly can’t thank the midwives enough who reassured us all the way through with care and empathy, who treated us like parents giving birth to a baby born living. They have certainly left a mark on ours and Violet’s heart.

I decided to start a fund in memory of Violet to donate funds to three different charities including Sands, Group B Strep Support, The Sepsis UK Trust and donate a new camera/memory cards to the suite and team at the birthing centre. I know after speaking to my bereavement midwife this is something they need and will help them out massively as things like this are not funded by the NHS.

Violet’s fund was set up which we named “Violet’s Wishes”.

I wanted to give something back to the people who had donated therefore we decided to hand make purple heart pin badges to provide to anyone who donated or wanted to buy a pin badge in exchange for a small donation. The amount of donations we have received from the general public is amazing! Our friends, the people that follow my social media shared, liked and re-posted our fund page the donations came flooding in!

Raising awareness is something I feel very strongly about as I’m sure you can tell whilst reading my story. Grief is such a funny thing and I don’t think anyone really understands until they walk in our shoes, which hopefully less and less people will have to. Although I haven’t put a stop to stillbirths I know my efforts have helped other parents be aware and put a strong word that Group B Strep needs to be tested for and for anyone pregnant to mention it to their midwife. I speak to and I am contacted by parents going through loss daily asking how I do it, how I get up every single day without Violet here, that they can’t. It’s really tough but I know deep down I can’t hide away, I have a voice and my voice is to be heard. In a way raising awareness and helping others through grief helps me, it makes me realise ‘I am not alone’ which I know a lot of bereaved parents feel.

It will be nearly a year until Violet was born sleeping. The moment my heart shattered; losing Violet has left a massive hole in my heart. If I could go forward in time I honestly couldn’t have seen myself doing what I’m doing and now writing a post as a finalist for this amazing baby loss award ceremony. I am so honoured to have been voted for and narrowed down as a finalist to be helping others and be voted for is a massive achievement for me as it should be for everyone.
Violet was brought into our world to change it. She made us the proud parents we are today. Keeping her name alive and raise vital awareness.

“The time I had to say goodbye to my daughter and seeing her walk out with our midwife was the time that made me think how many others went through what I was going through, the moment I knew I had to do something to help others.”

I hope my story has touched your heart like it has with many others.

Grace

What Others Have Said

Grace’s aims to raise awareness is truly working  and from her heartbreak she is doing such a positive thing.

This lady’s strength is admirable and her determination to ensure her baby girl didn’t die in vain is clear to see

Please find the link below to my photo video.

www.coloursofarainbow.com
www.instagram.com/coloursofarainbow1
https://www.facebook.com/coloursofarainbow/
www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/grace-banham-1
www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/grace-banham-2