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My Plea:

Me and my partner Wesley found out we were expecting in October 2017.  I was 6 weeks gone when we found out and as we had already had 3 miscarriages we were both nervous about it all, but feeling excited.  I am a type one Diabetic, so the pregnancy was treated as high risk. I had check ups every two weeks and scans. The first few scans went well and we were both very excited and started to tell our family and close friends. A few weeks later we went for my 12 week scan and the nurse told me that the fluid was low but she wasn’t too worried about it. We heard the baby’s heartbeat and everything seemed fine – we decided to announce it to everyone on the 15th December. I was so happy and glad that this pregnancy was working out, we began to buy baby outfits and choose names, my family started planning stuff and buying the odd outfit.

On the 8th January 2018 when I was almost 16 weeks pregnant, I woke up at around 5am to water trickling down my leg. I woke up my partner and he helped me to calm down and said to keep an eye on it. Later that morning he went to work, I got out of bed at 8.30am and felt a gush of water, I knew something wasn’t right so contacted my friend who’s a midwife and she told me to ring the emergency pregnancy unit and tell them what had happened.

I spoke to a midwife who told me to go straight over to Burnley. I then called my sister Karla and she came over to get me and took us over. I got taken into a room and the midwife did an ultrasound, I didn’t dare look or ask, my sister was holding my hand and I could tell she felt exactly as I felt. A few minutes later the midwife said she could see and hear a heartbeat but didn’t see much fluid around the baby.  I felt happy that she heard the heartbeat but concerned about the fluid, she then explained to me that she would have to take some of the fluid and test it to see if it was my waters. The test took 5 minutes to give results. She sat us down and I remember looking at my sister and saying ‘I have a bad feeling’. That 5 minutes were the longest 5 minutes of my life.

She came back in and said the words I had been dreading… ‘it’s your waters’ I immediately broke down and my sister just cuddled me and cried with me. The midwife then said I had 2 options – to either have a termination or to take some antibiotics to prevent infection and book an appointment with a consultant in the next couple of weeks. I told her firmly that there was no way in hell I would be aborting my baby. I would take the antibiotics and await an appointment to see a consultant. I went to the café with my sister while we waited for the antibiotics and I rang Wes. Telling him over the phone was so heart-breaking. I heard his voice crumble while he was talking to me. He said he would leave work and see me at home. My sister had rang my mum and informed her and she said she would see us there too. Walking into my house and seeing my mum and Wes I just broke down and felt like I was in a nightmare.

The next two weeks passed in a blur. I had a few appointments in between and while waiting for the consultant appointment, I got rushed into Burnley as they thought the baby was coming. I was having severe pains and loosing blood. I stayed in a suite in Burnley hospital for 2 days, nothing happened and the pain settled. They checked the baby and it’s heartbeat was strong then they released me and told me to come straight back if anything changed. By this point I was 17 weeks 5 days.

The baby had started kicking which was so hard as I didn’t know what the future would be but feeling my little baby kick made me so feel so much happier. It was like a sign telling me everything would be ok.

The next week I saw a consultant who was lovely and so helpful, he did some scans and measurements and told me that the baby’s legs and hips were a lot shorter than they should be for the gestation I was at. He also said I had next to no fluid around the baby. He went on to tell me that from weeks 16-20 was when the baby needed the fluid to help its lungs grow. Without the fluid he wasn’t sure the lungs would grow. He told me that I could go to full term, which was highly unlikely, and the baby could come and die on arrival, or come and struggle to breathe and die at a later date. He was sure that either way the baby wouldn’t survive and may end up suffering. The other option was that I could be induced.

It was A LOT to think about and I was very upset and confused about it all.  I went to my mums with my partner and spoke about it all.

My main concern was my little baby and how I didn’t ever want it to suffer or be in pain.

I decided to be induced and rang and booked in for it. They told me to go in at 12pm on Thursday the 1st February when I would be 19 weeks 6 days.

The next week just passed in a daze. I know friends and family were around a lot, but I don’t remember talking to them or doing anything. I took picture of my bump and pictures of my bump with Wes, I took a video of my little baby kicking and tried to stay positive.

On the day, I woke up and felt nervous and sad but also happy that I would meet my baby (my emotions were all over!). We arrived at the hospital and my mum came, I was checked in and put in the butterfly suite – a little flat with a kitchen, bathroom, little living room and bedroom. I had my first pill to induce me inserted at 2pm, I didn’t feel much just a little bellyache but 3 hours later they came and give me another one as no progress had been made. I ate some food and sat with my mum, my sister, my partner Wes and his mum. We talked, cried, laughed and watched my belly as the baby kicked away. It was such an emotional day.

At around 8pm I still hadn’t made any progress, so they came and inserted another pill around 9pm the pain started and I knew something was happening. I went for a walk around with my sister and then the contractions started fast and hard. We got back to the room and I felt dizzy so did my blood sugars to find out they were low. I remember having something to drink and then feeling sick, I was violently sick a couple of times and then my sugars dropped again.

By this point the pain had gotten a lot worse and I was in agony while trying to deal with a hypo.

At around 2am the midwife said she could feel my baby’s head and that she didn’t think it would be long till it was here. I tried a bath to relax me but It didn’t help. I tried walking, sitting, lying down and nothing helped. The pain was bad and I felt sick constantly. I remember looking at my partner and seeing the concern on his face when I was having contractions

At around 3.30am I told the midwife I needed to go to the toilet, she asked me if I was sure and I said yes.  I remember sitting on the toilet and I knew that the baby was coming. I screamed for my mum and the midwife and they came running in. About 5 minutes later I did one hard push and my baby was born.

I felt overwhelmed and in shock, the midwife took the baby away while another midwife sorted me out. 10 minutes later the midwife came back holding a tiny basket with my baby wrapped up inside it. I asked her what the baby was and she said ‘it’s a little boy’ – my partner broke down at this point and the midwife asked if I wanted to hold him.

I said yes.

Holding my little boy for the first time was heart-breaking, part of me thought he was just sleeping. I don’t think I had realised at that point he had died. I smiled as he looked perfect to me. He had my chin, his daddy’s nose and my lips. He was just small.

I vaguely remember my mum and his mum holding him and then me and Wes were left to spend some time with him. We decided to call him Jacob, Jacob Anthony Leliuga. The midwife then told me about the cold cot and what it was for. For the next two days I cuddled Jacob, told him stories, my family and close friends met him. Me and Wes took pictures of our perfect little boy and thanks to the cold cot at the hospital that was all made possible.

On the Sunday I had to say goodbye.

That was when it hit me… I was leaving the hospital without my baby. I never ever imagined I would be leaving without my little boy. I crumbled and didn’t want to leave. I just wanted to stay in my little flat with my little boy, and pretend everything was ok but I couldn’t.

I read him a final story, kissed his perfect little nose one last time and told him how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. Going home I felt numb, and for the next week I didn’t want to speak to anyone or do anything, but then I realised I had too. We made plans for a funeral for Jacob with the Co-op Funeral home. They were so helpful and did it all free of charge.

I got to see him one final time when I dropped him off and then that was it.

They didn’t have a cold cot which I didn’t realise at the time of dropping him off so I couldn’t go and say my final goodbye.

The funeral was amazing, it was a sad day but made so beautiful and showed me how loved my little boy was. A couple of days after the funeral I went back to work. I wanted to stay busy, while at work I realised I wanted to give something back and help other parents who may have to go through a similar situation to mine.

I decided to start a just giving page to raise money to buy a cold cot for the Co-op funeral home so that unlike me parents would get a chance to say their final goodbye.

I started fundraising in March and by the end of May I had raised £1570. I felt proud and it was nice knowing that even though my little boy wasn’t here physically I could do something in his name and help other parents. I ordered the Cold Cot and got in touch with the funeral home, we donated the cold cot, moses basket and 10 memory boxes on the 27th July 2018. It was an emotional day, but I felt so happy I had managed to do something in Jacobs name and even though I had to leave the hospital without my little boy, there’s a part of him with me wherever I go.

What Other’s Have Said

“My daughter Danielle Hayton sadly lost her baby boy Jacob on the 2nd of February. The staff at Burnley hospital were fantastic and due to the fact they had a cold cot Danielle her partner Wesley and the rest of our family got to spend some precious time with Jacob. However when the day came for Jacob to go to the funeral home unfortunately they didnt have a cold cot. All this inspired Danielle to want to raise enough money to provide a cold cot for the funeral home as she wants to help other families who go through similar and give them more time with their loved ones than she had. In just less than 3months Danielle has raised enough money and is now looking into purchasing a cold cot.”